Life gives me writers block. I don’t know how many blogs I’ve made and put my best foot forward to be the writer, the thought provoking illustrator of words I’ve always felt I could be. Then baam life hits! And then I lose my mind to say it truthfully.
My words disappear and life consumes me. I’ve felt eaten alive. Then somewhere I would give up. I gave up on me and my writing. I gave up on my dream to be what God put me in existence for, to be a voice, to show my skill, to put forth my ideals, my complex thoughts and structurally vivid dreams.
Given up is like an addiction. It’s so easy to do but so very hard to stop. I think after my sisters murder in 2007, given up on me became all to easy. And people would say well life goes on but life had truly stopped for me. Life existed but I was no longer apart of the world. I’ve been walking around detached, uninvolved and trying to find me but I had been really dissatisfied.
Dissatisfied with how cruel life is but people continue to love, give and appreciate. How can one go on when someone so dear is taken away. In such a horrendous way. I’ve been struggling with this question but then I look around me and I know I have to stop feeling sorry for myself.
My sister was not only taken from me but she was taken from her 14 year old son. Our mother and brother, and many friends and family members who adored her to pieces. My sister was loved and left this world loved. I think that is the best I will get from this tragedy.
Since that day on May 18, 2007. I’ve cocooned myself never wanting to be hurt like that again. Not by life, not by my mistakes, not by anyone. But in doing that I have only hurt myself and my sister. As I continue to shield myself from life, I only take away my chances of true happiness.
But that stops today. I’m grabbing a hold of what is stopping me, ME! I’m shaking myself back to consciousness and realizing my dreams, my worth, my desires, my goals. Oprah said it and many before her “Never give up.”
I’m going to take that advice as I have decided to move forward with my life. I’m shedding my shell and opening a new chapter. I vow to no longer let life take my writing away. I promise myself even when I am down I will find the strength to write another day. Writing brings me such relief and I should not turn myself away from that.