Life gives me writers block

Life gives me writers block. I don’t know how many blogs I’ve made and put my best foot forward to be the writer, the thought provoking illustrator of words I’ve always felt I could be. Then baam life hits! And then I lose my mind to say it truthfully.

My words disappear and life consumes me. I’ve felt eaten alive. Then somewhere I would give up. I gave up on me and my writing. I gave up on my dream to be what God put me in existence for, to be a voice, to show my skill, to put forth my ideals, my complex thoughts and structurally vivid dreams.

Given up is like an addiction. It’s so easy to do but so very hard to stop. I think after my sisters murder in 2007, given up on me became all to easy. And people would say well life goes on but life had truly stopped for me. Life existed but I was no longer apart of the world. I’ve been walking around detached, uninvolved and trying to find me but I had been really dissatisfied.

Dissatisfied with how cruel life is but people continue to love, give and appreciate. How can one go on when someone so dear is taken away. In such a horrendous way. I’ve been struggling with this question but then I look around me and I know I have to stop feeling sorry for myself.

My sister was not only taken from me but she was taken from her 14 year old son. Our mother and brother, and many friends and family members who adored her to pieces. My sister was loved and left this world loved. I think that is the best I will get from this tragedy.

Since that day on May 18, 2007. I’ve cocooned myself never wanting to be hurt like that again. Not by life, not by my mistakes, not by anyone. But in doing that I have only hurt myself and my sister. As I continue to shield myself from life, I only take away my chances of true happiness.

But that stops today. I’m grabbing a hold of what is stopping me, ME! I’m shaking myself back to consciousness and realizing my dreams, my worth, my desires, my goals. Oprah said it and many before her “Never give up.”

I’m going to take that advice as I have decided to move forward with my life. I’m shedding my shell and opening a new chapter. I vow to no longer let life take my writing away. I promise myself even when I am down I will find the strength to write another day. Writing brings me such relief and I should not turn myself away from that.

Lives Have Been Touched

Lives have been touched,

reached through my bones,

to my soul,

and crushed,

my heart beats different now,

disturbed to mid wake,

eyes pearing,

a shade of white and blank,

shivering to my core,

shaken,

I feel you here,

breathing cold air,

reached out,

to touch your hair,

layed back down,

to rest,

without you is a test,

lives have been touched!

Dedicated to my dear sister Lea (August 28, 1969 – May 18, 2007)

©10-10-2007 Kizze’

Men are from Mars…really!

“Remembering Our Differences

Without the awareness that we are supposed to be different, men and women are at odds with each other. We usually become angry or frustrated with the opposite sex because we have forgotten this important truth. We expect the opposite sex to be more like ourselves. We desire them to “want what we want” and “feel the way we feel.” ” (Gray, 2001)

Now I bring this up because it seems no matter the calmness, the coolness that is collected on either end someone is angry or frustrated. I can’t tell you how many times I thought the situation was cool and out of the closet came this mystery of anger. I be like “Damn!”

When I was a girl I had my life planned out as I’m sure a lot of us did. I was going to be a business woman and since I would be so busy building my emperor I wouldn’t have time for a man or kids. But I was smart enough to know that I would probably want kids (because I’m a woman) so I figured I would start about 30, and I wouldn’t have a man I would just go to a fertility clinic. So at about age 10 I had it all worked out.

Then at about age 22 that was all shot to hell when my daughter arrived… Long story short I knew it would be a battle for me and whom ever I’d end up with, cause I’m a leader not a follower, I have a common sense attitude.  If you don’t have common sense then I don’t want to deal with you.

Being with a man makes that very difficult. Cause they just plainly do shit that make no sense what so ever. So as I learn how to better understand a man and his way of thinking. I am reminded of the relationship class I took in college. We had to read and discuss Men Are From Mars, Women Are from Venus. Now I haven’t retained that much, but I grab the book every time I need to give my man an excuse for being an ass.